Why do I talk to my family about IF? Why, when they ask me questions, don't I just give vague answers that would not elicit follow-up questions? I guess I am a masochist.
My SIL called today and I could tell she wanted to ask me IF questions, so I humored her and actually answered a few. DH is very tight-lipped as to what he tells his family, not b/c we don't want them to know, but b/c they ask too many damn questions and would be calling every day! So, during the conversation she asked me 'how much longer are you guys going to keep trying?' I kind of blew it off and said something about how much longer we are going to pursue IUI, but the more I think about it the angrier I get. What is the implication with that question? Does she think that we are just wasting our time? That we need to realize that this is a lost cause? That us wanting a family is a fleeting pursuit and we will just give up soon? Ugh, I am annoyed! I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, but sometimes I have no idea why people say the things they do.
To add to this theme, I called my grandma today to say hello and she asked if we were still seeing 'that doctor'. I said yes, then she asked how it was going. I think she expected a 'fine', but I said that it was not going well. Her answer to that was that we need to give it time. Time? Its been two years! How much more time should we give it? I think she doesn't understand why we are seeking medical help and thinks we need to just wait. Maybe that is how they did it back in her day, but I am not going to sit idly on my ass and hope that we get pregnant. Ugh!!!
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Yeah - it is hard. People ask me things like - can they create identical twins and just implant them - and not to mention some of the moral issues some people have with IVF - I am going to start my third IVF and I will be sharing so much less than I did for my first two trys.
Here's how I've always viewed other people's stupidity when it comes to IF. They think if they ask questions, it seems like they are interested. And, if it's family, they probably are. The problem becomes they think with the more questions they ask, the more interested they are.
It's sort of like seeing someone with a disability. You're curious to know what happened and you wonder if it's OK to ask. You think that it's more polite to ask rather than stare. And, by asking, you let said disabled person know that you are interested.
But, really, at the end of the day. You are still left wondering. Are they really interested or just being polite?
here's the thing about "just giving it time"....would they say that to someone who was in need of a liver transplant? who had a potential match? "oh...just give it a little time, your liver will repair itself and you won't need to go to such extremes to have a functioning liver."
no. no one would consider saying that. but back when organ transplants were new and not well known, people would dismiss them.
even thought the first IVF baby turned 30, fertility stuff is still a relatively new science. I think that it is pretty cool to be part of this developing area (most of the time), but I don't have the patience to continually defend my position to my family and friends.
maybe people feel that they have the right to say those types of things because pregnancy is something that should just come so "naturally" and when it doesn't they don't know how to respond. Maybe they are just ignorant of science and reproductive issues...who knows.
sorry for the rant. I have to deal with these same comments all of the time from my family. :(
I agree with lisa: I am just going to share less this time. I am tired of the confused looks when they try to figure out how much money we have spent trying to get pregnant. arg.
**hugs**
thats so frustrating! its so hard for others to relate to how we feel. there is no way to fully understand unless you go/are going through it.
try not to let others get you down. you are such a strong person for going though treatments and in the end, it will make you a better mom.
Erin
There is a great book called "The Empty Picture Frame" by Jenna and Mike Nadeau. It is a diary of sorts of a woman dealing with IF. It was recommended as a book to give family members who do not understand the process, the desire to keep trying, or that their questions can sometimes be hurtful.
This might be a good thing to look in to....
I hate comments like that!My sil is starting to ask if we are considering adoption (which feels similar to the "how much longer are you going to try" question). And truth be told we are beginning to talk about it, but that's for my DH and I to discuss not for her to inquire about. We're on IVF #3 and are telling fewer and fewer people what we are up to because the comments are getting less and less helpful.
Hang in there. If IVF is an option for you, it might be worth considering. Our RE told us that our chances are exponentially higher (but then again so is the cost!). Best of luck to you.
Mo
www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com
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