2010

We made it to our second goal:) Yay for 2010! Next goal -32 weeks, the count down to that is 8 days.

I have to admit that today has been another difficult one. We did get a NICU tour on Wednesday night and I think that has something to do with it. The head NICU nurse took us around and showed us all the equipment and explained all the possibilities of what our babies could get hooked up to. She also gave us lots of info on their procedures and what to expect when the babies come. There were some good things like that they don't have 'visiting hours', we can come and go as we please. They have pumping and feeding rooms and they encourage parents to do as much of the care as possible.

They also showed us babies that are the same gestational age as ours are now. That was scary. They were so small and looked so frail. They looked so sick and vulnerable. But, once they started moving around I realized that while they might be small they all looked like little fighters:) So, as scary as the whole visit was, I think it will make things easier b/c we will know what to expect. Though, it did give me the realization that this will be our reality.

Today I've been thinking a lot about how our experience when these two come will not be 'normal'. Since I've been having more contractions and I can tell my body is not going to hold out too much longer I know that our babies will spend more time than I would like in the NICU. Their birth will not be pure joy, it will also be surrounded in fear. I know I will be so scared that they won't cry, that they will be too small, that I won't get to see/hold them for awhile. That they will not come home with us and when they do they will most likely come home with monitors. And all that just plain sucks.

It also has me thinking about why we did all this. Why we tried for so many difficult years just so this pg could take such a toll on me, and then have the end product will be two poor babies who will have to deal with so much and there is nothing we can do about it. Greg keeps reminding me to think further into the future, when they are home and healthy. I guess I am having a hard time doing that now, I can barely think past tomorrow.