I've had more of an eventful day that thankfully was not too full of contractions. But, there were a few so they have increased the frequency of my meds -every 4 hrs instead of 6 hrs. I hope this last change does the trick. The eventfulness was a few visits and finally getting edible food!
Last night I finally broke down. On Friday when we came in I was hysterical, but since then I've been surprisingly calm. Figured there was nothing else I could be doing so why stress too much about it. Until last night, I think it hit me, the guilt that my body is trying to get these two out. It is so difficult to know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help my babies, besides sit on my butt. And not only can I not help them, but it is my body that is causing the distress.
In addition to the guilt I am having a bit of the 'why me's. Why did we have to deal with IF? Why did it take nearly 3 yrs and tens of thousands of dollars to get pg? Why us? What did we do? And once I finally got that amazing BFP, why was I so sick? Why was I that one percent who deal with hypermeisis? Why once that had passed did my kidney decide to spew out a stone? Why did all the contractions start? Why did I have to lose my mucus plug early? Why do I have flaming crotch issues b/c of varicose veins? And why, oh why, can't my body handle being pregnant? What the fuck did I ever do?
Ugh, I know nothing productive comes from self pity, but some days you just can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. So, last night I cried for an hour and let the guilt and self pity flow. I feel much better today:)
Since it is Christmas Eve I figure I should 'celebrate' somehow. I have holiday movies on and am eating Christmas cookies. That's about all the effort I have for the holiday today. Instead I am just picturing next Christmas eve with two nearly one year olds. That will be nice:)
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5 comments:
It is ok and you are allowed to cry, I know I would if I was u. Hang in there. Focus on next Xmas with ur 2 little ones. Stay strong, u can do this thinking of u. Have a good Christmas if u can. X
(((hugs))) Those babies know and will always know how loved and wanted they are. I don't know why shitty things happen to good people, it doesn't seem fair, but when you see their beautiful faces all of that will be worth all this crap you've had to go through even though you two should never have had to go through it. :(
((HUG))
I hope you had a lovely Christmas!! I hope the little ones stay put as long as they can. You are doing everything right!! I hope you get some rest :)
I ask many of the same whys. I wish I had some answers. For both of us.
there's no logical answer. seriously. i think that we all go through it...especially when you watch your stupid cousin/sister/friend/crackwhore get pregnant accidentally, have a super easy pregnancy, and then go home with a baby who sleeps through the night from birth. it doesn't seem fair. but you know what? it makes you a better mother. really. i believe that.
...not to mention gives you a better story to tell.
...AND gives you more to yell about when your kids are teenagers and try to sneak out of the house to go to some party that you already told them they can't go to:
"i didn't spend thousands of dollars, throw up for months on end, get a fire crotch, spend weeks on bedrest, and go through 9 months of worrying to have my kids sneak out of the house after i told them no!!!!"
xoxo
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