Slowly the pain is getting duller, very slowly. I haven't actually cried very much, other than when we heard the message, then I sobbed for an hour straight. The kind of half-hyperventilating-sobbing.
Thankfully I had a very busy weekend of work, which normally I would have hated, but it forced me to not think about it. Breaking down in front of the world's topic Linguistics would not have been very professional...so I stuffed the sadness down a deep hole. It is starting to emerge. This is the first time I have been alone since we found out, and I can't allow myself to sit still and think. It hurts too much.
When do you think it goes away? I think it might never go away. Not to say that I won't feel normal again, but I don't think the pain of this will just disappear, I think it will be still be here.
Over the weekend I searched Dr. Google for hours about why IVF cycles w/MFI fail. It seems that there is some information on genetic issues, or we could simply be the unlucky 50% that it doesn't work the first time. We are supposed to make a follow-up appointment with our RE, so I guess I will try and not worry too much until we talk to him.
This just fucking sucks.
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14 comments:
it does suck. i'm sorry.
i actually started to feel a little better when i knew that i had a plan. our first failed cycle was in september and i knew that we would cycle again starting in december. i only had 3-4 months to wait before i could have another chance. in the meantime i decided that if i couldn't get pregnant i was going to eat all of the forbiddin food i wanted (sushi, goat cheese, wine, etc) and start working out a lot to try to drop some of that damn IF weight.
then again, i always feel better when i have some sort of plan in motion.
hang in there. it does get better...eventually. i promise.
xoxo
It seriously sucks...big time. I'm so sorry. :-(
Sigh. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can't. Just know that we're all here pulling for you and we're always here to offer support. Just think, you got the bad odds out of the way, so now you're bound to end up on the good side of the odds :) I'm so very sorry. ((HUGS))
i've been wondering how you were. i mean obviously horrible, but you know, worried.
I hope your RE can offer some comfort or plan.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
((HUGS))
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry this hurts so much.
It just sucks...so bad. I'm sorry, hun.
Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your BFN. I am a reader of your blog and have enjoyed reading your posts. I am glad to see that you are feeling better. I have just started my blog and am eager to meet people who struggle with IF. I wish you the best of luck with your next cycle. Amy
I'm so sorry. :( I wish there was something to say, but I know nothing can make the pain go away. ((hugs)) Please know I"m thinking about you.
I'm so sorry.
Oh hun, I'm just SO sorry. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but please know that I am thinking about you. The pain does eventually go away, but in the meantime, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Be selfish.
And when you're ready to hear this again, know in your heart that we WILL be mothers, someday...somehow.
Hugs,
Jeannine
I agree with the first comment, we just found out our first cycle didnt work, with no embryos to freeze. I am devistated like you. But I feel better knowing we have a plan to look forward to. I have to be doing something in order to fend off the despair. Don't give up hope!!
many hugs.
I asked myself the same question about MFI with IVF. We had 3 great embryos. It absolutely sucks. I agree with strongblonde. Having a plan helped me focus on something and not feel so lost.
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