The way I have coped with all of the failed cycles over the past 28 months has been to never think about the 'after' of the pregnancy test. I have never allowed myself to have any expectations about ever being pregnant, or having a child. No let down then, right?
But, over the past few weeks I have realized that by not ever thinking that far has made the thought of actually being pregnant a little bit scary. I know nothing about pregnancy, except that everything is uncertain, and until you have a healthy baby in your arms you never know what could happen.
I worry that if this IVF cycle did work that this fear and sadness won't just go away, and that I won't be able to enjoy every moment of it b/c I will be too scared that it will end badly. IF just fucking sucks. It makes you into this person that is always very aware that not everything works the way you expect, and heartbreak is very much a possibility.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post:)
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Our journey through infertility, to pregnancy, with a few bumps along the way.
About Me
- Andrea
- Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States
- After years of struggling with infertility we are finally parents to twins thanks to IVF#2! Learning through the difficult time of infertility, a multiples pregnancy, hospital bedrest, and a NICU stay that life is life, there is nothing you can do to control it. All you can do is try to make the best of it:)
Our Journey
- 10/05-Got married!
- 12/06-Began TTC
- 8/07-Diagnosed with Varicocele
- 10/07-Varicocelectomy
- 7/08-First RE appointment
- 9/, 10/, 12/08-IUI #1-3=BFNs
- 1/09 -IUI#4 =BFN
- 4/09 -IVF#1=BFN w/RE #2
- 6/22/09-IVF#2 =BFP!
- 1/15/10-Hazel and Elijah were born
Blog Archive
IF Success Stories
- Busted Babymaker
- Caroline-From Infertility to Baby
- Conceive This!
- Infertility Journey to Motherhood
- IVF on the Down Low
- Little Bluebirds Fly
- Make it Grand
- My Infertile World
- No swimmers in the tubes, no bun in the oven
- Not How I Planned
- Pieces of My Life
- Someday, Someway!
- Swimming Against the Tide
- There's a baby at the end of this, right?
Multiples
Infertility Blogs
Loss
Non-IF blogs I like
Money Spent on IF
- 2008-
- 7/23/08 -$323 RE office visit
- 7/23/08 -$727 cervical cultures
- 8/11/08 -$948 day 3 bloodwork
- 8/11/08 -$536 day 3 ultrasound
- 8/20/08 -$285 for IUI #1
- 9/5/08 -$194 Semen analysis and cryopreservation
- 9/08-9/09 -$150 semen storage fee
- 9/11/08 -$194 semen analysis
- 10/6/08 -pending $3,500 for HSG
- 10/11/08 -$285 for IUI #2
- 12/1/08 -$285 for IUI #3
- 12/27/08 -$285 for IUI #4
- 2009-
- 1/24/09-$248 RE office visit
- 1/28/09 -$412 semen analysis and bloodwork
- 1/30/09 -$542 mock-ET and bloodwork
- 2/6/09 -$3,966 for IVF & ER anesthesia
- 2/10/09 -$1,819.05 for IVF Meds
- 3/25/09 -$1,290 freezing embryos
- 4/2/09 -$293 beta testing
- 6/1/09 -$3,996 for IVF #2
Acronyms
- AF = Aunt Flow (menstruation)
- Beta =Beta blood test, tests for pregnancy hormone
- BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
- BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
- DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear
- ER = Egg retrieval
- ET = Embryo transfer
- FET=Frozen Embryo Cycle
- HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
- ICSI = Intro Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
- IF = Infertility
- IL = In-laws
- IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
- IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
- LO = Little Ones (babies)
- MFI = Male Factor Infertility
- MoM = Mother of Multiples
- O = Ovulate
- OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit (tells when you O)
- Pg = pregnant, pregnancy
- PIO = Progesterone in Oil shots
- POAS = Pee on a Stick (take HPT)
- RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
- SA = Semen Analysis
- SIL = Sister-in-Law
- Stims = Stimulation hormone shots
- TI = Timed Intercourse
- TTC = Trying to Conceive
- TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
- WTF=What the fuck? -why didn't this work
9 comments:
I know exactly what you mean each time I think I am pregnant (b/c we aren't preventing, although I think it would be a miracle! I have two children through the blessing of adoption) that fear starts to creep in and it totally sucks because you cann't ever enjoy it! I know if I were to ever get pregnant again I don't think I could ever feel comforatble until the baby is born.
I am thinking of you, praying for you and sending positive thoughts and ((HUGS)) your way!
God Bless
having experienced 3 losses I totally know what you mean. I am not sure what I am more scared of, 1 line or 2.....but I have promised myself to try and enjoy every single day, when I get my next bfp, i will try every day to rejoince in the fact that for that day, i am pregnant and take each day as it comes....hoping i get a chance to do that very soon! my fingers are crossed for you.
((Hugs))
Oh I hear ya. It's really unfortunate that we have to know all about the possibilities/things that can go wrong. All we can do is hope for the best!
I hear ya! I am finding myself holding back ALL THE TIME. I try not to think too far ahead or envision fantastic moments for fear that I will never get that far. IF STINKS, it has changed who I am and who I want to be.
I know exactly what you mean. With two loss, I don't know if I should be happy or scared sh!tless the next time I see those two lines.
You are definitely not alone with that feeling. The realities that IF has shown me are filled with bleakness. It's terrifying because the "What Ifs" become that much more daunting.
I've only been following your blog for a few weeks, but I can identify with almost everything you go through.
I'm sorry you're down today. I hope knowing you're not alone will help just a little bit. Take Care
It's hard to live in the space of "no news is good news" always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
god, i hear you...
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