The meme in my last post got me thinking quite a bit about my fear of adoption....It's strange that before this whole IF journey if anyone would have asked my opinion on adoption my answer would have been completely different. Before DH and I got married I even remember having a discussion about the what ifs, what if we couldn't have kids? We always said we would adopt. We wouldn't do all those 'crazy fertility treatments.'
But after actually being told that we may never have kids of our own, adoption seems like a four-letter word. I think, for me, moving on to adoption at this point would be like giving up. Accepting that we will not have kids of our own and I will never have the experience of being pregnant. I am not saying that I don't think about it often, and know deep down that it would be a very good option for us if we ever would need it. And I would be happy just being a mom. But I am not at that point yet and the thought that we may need to adopt one day in order to be parents scares the shit out of me. And what scares me even more one day moving on to adoption...being picked by a birth-mother, getting ready for the baby, and then the birth-mother changes her mind. That is one of my biggest fears, and I don't know if I could ever get over something like that.
Maybe this fear is my way of not accepting our situation, continuing the state of denial. But honestly, who would want to accept this as their reality? Not me:)
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Our journey through infertility, to pregnancy, with a few bumps along the way.
About Me
- Andrea
- Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States
- After years of struggling with infertility we are finally parents to twins thanks to IVF#2! Learning through the difficult time of infertility, a multiples pregnancy, hospital bedrest, and a NICU stay that life is life, there is nothing you can do to control it. All you can do is try to make the best of it:)
Our Journey
- 10/05-Got married!
- 12/06-Began TTC
- 8/07-Diagnosed with Varicocele
- 10/07-Varicocelectomy
- 7/08-First RE appointment
- 9/, 10/, 12/08-IUI #1-3=BFNs
- 1/09 -IUI#4 =BFN
- 4/09 -IVF#1=BFN w/RE #2
- 6/22/09-IVF#2 =BFP!
- 1/15/10-Hazel and Elijah were born
Blog Archive
IF Success Stories
- Busted Babymaker
- Caroline-From Infertility to Baby
- Conceive This!
- Infertility Journey to Motherhood
- IVF on the Down Low
- Little Bluebirds Fly
- Make it Grand
- My Infertile World
- No swimmers in the tubes, no bun in the oven
- Not How I Planned
- Pieces of My Life
- Someday, Someway!
- Swimming Against the Tide
- There's a baby at the end of this, right?
Multiples
Infertility Blogs
Loss
Non-IF blogs I like
Money Spent on IF
- 2008-
- 7/23/08 -$323 RE office visit
- 7/23/08 -$727 cervical cultures
- 8/11/08 -$948 day 3 bloodwork
- 8/11/08 -$536 day 3 ultrasound
- 8/20/08 -$285 for IUI #1
- 9/5/08 -$194 Semen analysis and cryopreservation
- 9/08-9/09 -$150 semen storage fee
- 9/11/08 -$194 semen analysis
- 10/6/08 -pending $3,500 for HSG
- 10/11/08 -$285 for IUI #2
- 12/1/08 -$285 for IUI #3
- 12/27/08 -$285 for IUI #4
- 2009-
- 1/24/09-$248 RE office visit
- 1/28/09 -$412 semen analysis and bloodwork
- 1/30/09 -$542 mock-ET and bloodwork
- 2/6/09 -$3,966 for IVF & ER anesthesia
- 2/10/09 -$1,819.05 for IVF Meds
- 3/25/09 -$1,290 freezing embryos
- 4/2/09 -$293 beta testing
- 6/1/09 -$3,996 for IVF #2
Acronyms
- AF = Aunt Flow (menstruation)
- Beta =Beta blood test, tests for pregnancy hormone
- BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
- BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
- DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear
- ER = Egg retrieval
- ET = Embryo transfer
- FET=Frozen Embryo Cycle
- HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
- ICSI = Intro Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
- IF = Infertility
- IL = In-laws
- IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
- IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
- LO = Little Ones (babies)
- MFI = Male Factor Infertility
- MoM = Mother of Multiples
- O = Ovulate
- OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit (tells when you O)
- Pg = pregnant, pregnancy
- PIO = Progesterone in Oil shots
- POAS = Pee on a Stick (take HPT)
- RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
- SA = Semen Analysis
- SIL = Sister-in-Law
- Stims = Stimulation hormone shots
- TI = Timed Intercourse
- TTC = Trying to Conceive
- TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
- WTF=What the fuck? -why didn't this work
7 comments:
We are in the same boat. DH's sperm is just not all that great, the surgery did not make anything better. But adoption is wonderful and if you go through the right channels, the chances of the birthmom changing her mind is slim. The only other option would be donor sperm and there is no way I would ever be comfortable with that.
I am sooo with you. That is indeed my biggest fear as well. I am in denial that we might have to adopt. My DH still says that we can stop all these treatments and adopt. But I can't come to terms with it! (Yet!)
I have hope Andrea... Our turns will come.
Adoption is definitely a scary thing. I feel the same way about it that you do. It's the last option. I find it hard to comprehend that we may have to spend thousands of dollars to get our baby!! Crazy!!
it's hard. i am not sure anyone just expects you to "accept" IF. I think that if there's a chance for bio kids and that is something that is important to you, this is just another step in the process. We just have another couple of things that we have to do to try to get there. I think (maybe naively) that when it is time to move to the adoption route, you will know. ...at least I hope so....
It's so easy to discuss adoption when it is "what if." I agree with you. It's much scarier when it is something you actually have to discuss. I still don't know where I stand on the issue.
Speaking as someone who fairly recent stopped fertility treatments and is pursuing a domestic adoption... yes, it is scary. Some birthmothers change their mind before or shortly after the baby's birth. It is their right to do so.
I think this is where the trend towards open or semi-open adoption helps. In some cases, the birthparents meet with the prospective adoptive parents before the birth or they speak over the phone. Birthparents who have taken this step are less likely to change their mind afterwards.
Still... there is a leap of faith involved and some things will be out of your control. I think you just know when and if adoption is the path for you. You're not there yet and perhaps you never will be. There's *nothing* wrong with that.
For me, I have come to a point where I've accepted that I won't experience pregnancy and birth. Infertility has forever changed how I see the world, and I've tried to learn from it. It took a while to get to this place, but I have accepted this as my reality. I want to be a mom, and this will be how I get there.
It is scary, but having a baby is scary too. Unfortunately (as I'm trying to remember) nothing in life is guaranteed. It comes down to what's important to you: having a bio child or being a parent. Ya know? For some people being pregnant is really important and some women feel like they need that to be fulfilled. Others (like me) could care less.
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