I think the BFN this month has been one of the most difficult in quite awhile. I let myself get too optimistic. DH had great counts and the HSG boosts the odds...and I let it get to me. This is why I HATE when everyone keeps telling me to be positive, it is so much worse when it doesn't happen. I know it is quite cliche, but as they say...the higher you are, the further you fall. And I fell hard. So hard that I am not at all looking forward to our next cycle.
The closer we get to the holidays the harder it is. I know we have only 2 more chances this year and it is really hitting me. We will hit the 2 year mark of TTC in December. I never thought it would take that long:( And the big 29 is creeping up on me...and I know I should feel lucky that we are young, but I always thought we would be done having our 3-4 kids by our early 30s and now the realization that we might not even have one child before 30, and it might not be biologically ours.
To make matters worse, today was trick-or-treat. Another reminder of what we don't have. About 15 mins before the kids would start ringing the doorbell I couldn't hold in the tears. I just couldn't imagine having to watch all the cute kids in their costumes with their happy parents coming to our door. We had to leave. We spent a few hours at the laundromat. At least now we have clean clothes. Oh, and a huge bowl of candy that I really shouldn't eat. I guess all of my undeserving coworkers will get it. But then again, I will get all sorts of questions as to why we didn't give out candy, and if I tell the truth I will be judged by them. Oh well, I will be judged anyway b/c there is no way I am going to listen to all of their weekend stories about their kids. I guess I will be locked in my office all day tomorrow.
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6 comments:
I'm so sorry. I completely agree. I don't like to be pessimistic, but the more hopeful I am the more it hurts.
Thinking of you....
I'm so sorry today was rough. If you don't want to bring the candy to work and don't want to eat it, maybe donate to somewhere that will be passing it out on Friday. I hope the rest of your week goes better!
It sounds like our story is a lot like yours. I just found your blog. I am in my 2WW of our first IUI.
You're not alone. For me, the holiday dread starts at Halloween and ends at New Years. Somehow, Easter doesn't factor into it.
I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. Trick or treat is hard for me too, it's just another reminder of it all. Telling someone else to stay positive is so much easier than hearing it yourself. There are days when I curse hearing that! Hope your week goes better =)
i know how you feel. it seems like if you just expect a negative, itll be easier when youre right? in this case, i hate being right!
the holidays are coming up quick. we will mark our 2 year ttc journey in january. time flies when youre...wait...isnt it supposed to be having fun?
try to have a better rest of your week and look forward to next month. its gonna happen!!
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